I'm not even sure how to put all my thoughts on here. My mind is nowhere close to being organized at all. All I know is that over the past few weeks, one thing has been on the back of my mind and I have not given any serious thought to it, well.. I have been avoiding giving any serious thought to it.
Until now.
I was so sure of what I want to do with my life before the summer; graduate with an accounting degree, pass my CPA exam, work for an accounting firm for a few years, and then work for a not-for-profit organization somewhere. Now, I find no motivation in me to continue pursuing that vocation. I despise the business world. It seems like in every one of my class, the instructors are feeding me information and compelling me to participate and excel in this global competition of something that in the end really doesn't matter; fame, success, a comfortable life, etc... All these things fade away. I'm really frustrated and confused, perhaps this is the reason I have chosen to entertain what I have so long tried to avoid.
Missions.
I don't even know where to start. Hanging out and becoming good friends with people who are so missional minded have really brought this up in me. But even as I am writing this, I realized that I am just being selfish by thinking that this will be a more noble vocation which will give me a better sense of satisfaction than being an accountant. To be honest, I have never really had a heart for lost people around the world, I just want to feel like my life count for something. God was right when he said that even my most "righteous" ambitions are nothing more than an extension of my selfishness and my intentions, no matter how noble they are, are just filthy rags in his sight...
May God change my heart so that all I really want is to know him and make him known in the world. May God break my heart for the billions of people who is in need of a savior but are blind or unexposed to the gospel.
God , ruin me until I become like you.
I love what you love.
I hate what you hate.
I see what you see.
I ache for what you ache.
I know that you and you alone are more than enough.
Give me grace to chase after you with everything that I am and show me that you are worth it all and so much more!
